The Amish Secret
A young bearded man in a top hat and carefully crafted dark cotton pants stood talking to me last night, after my husband Dana and I retold our story about my 16 year recovery from bipolar. “Thank you for talking about the two sides of the problem.” He said. ”You know, there are a lot of people who just want a pill like a drug or, even a natural pill. They swallow the pill and sit back and wait for ...
Waking Up Haunted?
Every once-in-awhile I wake up haunted by the things I used to do or say when I was really sick with bipolar. Does that happen to you too? Waking up remembering might be haunting, but it is one of the most beautiful parts about true Second Stage Healing. Heck, I remember times when I was heavily medicated and unable to wake up at all. I remember the days when I had to take a drug to get to sleep ...
Have You Hit Rock Bottom?
I know you are out there. You are the girl who couldn’t get out of bed today. The one who lay in bed until 3pm only to wake for a toilet break and stumble back to the blankets. You ate cold cereal and took a handful of meds and you wondered why you keep trying at all. The meds probably squashed that voice that keeps telling you to end it. You think about your own death once in awhile, but ...
I would never have signed up for that either, Grandpa.
I am the third generation of a mood swing mess, peppered with paranoia and salted with a stigma so smothering that it killed my mother and grandfather. When Grandpa was diagnosable, in his early twenties, America was in the shameful throws of sterilizing ‘mental deficients’ and performing frontal lobe lobotomies for mood swing resolution. I would never have signed up for that either, Grandpa. Grandpa kept his illness a not-so-well-kept secret until he finally, in an act of shame and ...
Bipolar, Panic and Anxiety…What is the Difference?
Take a minute to look at the DSM-IV – the manual that your physician used to determine the criteria for your diagnosis. Psychiatric diagnoses are complicated things. That’s why many of our diagnoses have changed over the years. Mine changed from depression to BipolarI, to BipolarI with rapid cycles, to a final and extra comforting label of BipolarI with rapid cycles and schizophrenic tendencies. Did you know that I was so sick – even while diligently following my specialist’s order ...
Without Medication, I Didn’t Like Reality
Today I ran away with my son. James’ job fell through for the day and my schedule was fantastically flexible, so we jumped in the car and left town. It’s a two-and-a-half hour drive to our favorite quiet spot, away from the everyday, and out of reach of our cell phones. We go there every chance we get–to dream and pray and consider our place in the world. Just before I turned off my phone, a dear friend, sitting in ...
A Child with Anxiety and Obsession
I’m not a doctor. If I were a doctor, a brilliant, healthy little girl would be heavily medicated right now. Obsession is one of the toughest set of symptoms for me to write about. A young girl who holds a very special place in my heart has had a crippling and painful go-round with obsessive thoughts and compulsions. Who we once saw as a worried child quickly turned into a child so wrought with anxiety that it left her vomiting, ...
Save My Marriage!
Not everyone will cheer you on when you decide to move from medications to a normal healthy life. Sometimes our closest friends are the greatest skeptics. Fact is, if you have been diagnosed with bipolar, it is because you have done something that scared the living daylights out of your family. Whatever you did before is tough to forget. What you did makes them question your judgement now, especially if it was your idea to transition from medications to the ...
Why Parenting Hurts
The hardest part about parenting is when your kids become who you used to be and you discover that you are, in some awful way, just like your own parents. Parenting is about seeing the world all over again from the other side of the fence. An old friend (I’ll call her Crystal) called today to tell me that her daughter was breaking her heart. Crystal is making some tough choices, as a grown woman, that are impacting her daughter ...
When I got lost
Have you ever been really lost? I’m not talking about that pay phone call, “Mom, I drove to the mall and can’t remember what exit to take.” (You remember the days before GPS and cell phones, right?) I’m talking about waking up one morning and not having a clue who you are anymore and how it is that you managed to land in THIS life with THESE people. If you can’t relate, that’s okay. Call yourself grounded or lucky. If ...
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