It's never too late...

Today was photo day for my boy, James. He’ll be leaving in two weeks. He’ll be gone for two years to Nicaragua. Today I watched him sitting in his suit, posing, and smiling. His whole life is ahead of him and the worst of the world is behind both of us. 

I remember a time when I wondered if he’d be okay. I wondered if he’d be messed up because of my bipolar swings between suicidal fury, delusional mania, and black velvet depression. I wondered how he’d ever grow to be ‘normal’ when all I could do is confirm to him that nothing in the world is certain…nothing predictable, nothing safe, nothing joyful.

Thank Heaven for the miracle of discovery! I started the turn around when James was three-and-a-half. His earliest developmental years were certainly a mess of inconsistency on one level, neglect on another, but it wasn’t too late to make things different. I tried through both stages of healing to make things right.

It’s never too late embrace healthy.

If you are a mom who has struggled with moods and manias, don’t lose hope. It’s never too late for your kids to have a healthy mother. You can follow thousands of others and use the principles of first and second stage healing to get healthy, find balance, forgive the illness and become who you really want to be.

James gave an interview on the weekend. He sat, lit up, with cameras rolling and told about how he has watched me grow, over our nineteen years together, into a healthy person. My twinge of guilt for the first years was quickly overridden with happiness for the years that we have shared, after my illness. Healthy did not come all at once, but James has witnessed the worst and the best of me. In a way, we have grown up together…

It’s okay to grow up with your children…

My mother sits on her father's knee

When Grandpa was diagnosable, in his early twenties, America was in the shameful throws of sterilizing ‘mental deficients’ and performing frontal lobe lobotomies for mood swing resolution. I would never have signed up for that either, Grandpa. Grandpa kept his illness a not-so-well-kept secret until he finally, in an act of shame and desperation, used medication to kill himself. He was about 50 when he died.

My mother suffered in silence and with the delusion that she was alone with her tortured self. She tried drug treatments off and on but an admission of illness was more than she could bear. Being “a Manic-Depressive” marred her family name and shamed her with the fear that all the world would know they were “not right in the head.” She was medicated when she committed suicide. She was only 40 years old.

I accepted a diagnosis of bipolar as soon as my doctor said it. I was twenty, a new mom, and out from under the family influence. My mother was angry with me for doing it, but I took all the medications that my doctors prescribed and fared no better. After my mother died, I tried 13 different meds, some long term hospitalization, and was told to go have my tubes tied because I would never be well. Then, mercifully and miraculously, I took my place in the unravelling of an incredible medical discovery, made by my dad and another layman from Southern Alberta, Canada. I was torn from the grips of stigma and shame and lifted off the mood swing when micronutrient deficiency was discovered as the source of my symptoms. 

People are still dying for shame over what the world thinks is an incurable disease. But, what in Grandpa’s generation was once worthy of torture and sterilization, then in Mom’s generation, managed with life-long benzodiazepine addiction; what was once a shameful death sentence, is now a manageable issue of micronutrient balance and mood control. My generation will deal with post-acute-withdrawal syndrome as we overcome our addictions to benzodiazepines. We’ll go through the messy discontinuation syndrome as we give up our SSRI ‘happy pills.’

I did it for my children.

The world is changing once more. My children talk about mood swings and mental health with about as much shame as the common cold can wield. In our home, we know what to do about the mood swings…still working on that cure for the common cold!

You are a new generation. 

New Life Without Stigma

I stayed up late last night to decorate a surprise and woke early to put on a breakfast for my husband and children.

The excited chatter at the table turned to singing – literally. My children spontaneously broke out in a happy lilting version of a children’s song that I taught them as babies.

“As I have loved you…

Sugar for Breakfast!

Love one another…”

I laughed at nineteen-year-old James, and three sisters; Samantha, Melanie and Meagan, all singing a happy song about love in a family and following Christ’s example to be kind.

I sang along with them and Dana joined in, too, and it was really funny because after the singing and the giggling was over, Dana said he needed us all to know that in spite of the nice singing, that song was his least favorite in the whole world! He carried on with a story about a time when he was Meagan’s age, and he went to a church meeting where his father was a guest speaker. They asked Dana to sing. Dana’s father is an accomplished singer and plays piano beautifully, so he took his place at the piano and eight-year-old Dana stood at the pulpit.  When little Dana stood and opened his mouth for the first note of “As I Have Loved You”, not a sound came out. They restarted the song a few times and still, not a sound would escape his throat! Mercifully, his father rose from the piano bench and gently escorted him from the pulpit, back to his seat.

Our kids thrill to hear happy, and even sad tales from our childhood years. Story telling at the table is one of our binding traditions and when we all participate, we love each  other all the more.

Gosh, I love being a mom! I love being healthy and capable and strong and consistent. I love everything about family life, except mopping floors. I love every experience that has brought me to this place! I know in other posts I might seem negative about the early months of my healing because it was not easy, or quick or painless, but I hope my readers know that every painful overcoming moment or day or week has been worth it – a thousand times over – to get to this beautiful, happy place.

Decide to do whatever you must do; undo the damage, overcome the addiction, forgive the madness and accept the healing… It is so worth it to find your peace.

It’s time to get real. Here’s how my race for wellness began…

• Week One – day 3     I stopped hallucinating, stopped taking three of my five medications. (By the way, I thought it was really ‘much better’ not to be hearing and seeing troublesome faces in my peripheral vision; and when the perceived ‘hole in my chest closed up’, I was thrilled. If you haven’t read “A Promise of Hope” please do, it’ll make all of this make a lot more sense!)
• Week One – day 4     My paranoid, manic feelings subsided enough to be able to shower with all of my clothes off and without assistance from a family member.  I was a lot better… but not well by any stretch.
• Week One – day 5     I was released from my father’s custody and allowed to go home to my husband and son. ( Is that ‘much better’? Does not needing 24-hour adult supervision mean that I was better? At least they weren’t thinking I’d kill myself at the first opportunity.)
• Week One – day 6-7     Terrible withdrawal set in. I felt worse than ever, but it was a new kind of bad.I had dropped several medications all at once and sat up nights crying, howling and thrashing until my ankles bled. There was also some vomit involved. If you are new to the transition phase, pray thanks because now, I’m told, amino acids, and other adjunct products recommended by Truehope, go a long way to quelling these symptoms and transition is not nearly as tough as it used to be. Still, “post-withdrawal” and “discontinuation syndrome” are scientifically proven to haunt those of us who go drug-free. Please read everything you can about these if you plan to discontinue an SSRI or a Benzodiazepine drug. Better yet, read about them before you ever start taking a drug in these classes.
• Week Two and Three      I worked on slow reductions of the last two medications but was still not allowed to care for my child without another adult present because my moods were still very unpredictable and I could not stay awake all day.
• Week Three through Eight      More medication reductions, withdrawals and cravings and an increasing desire to care for myself and for my son. I eventually resumed caring for him full time.
• March 28, 1996      I took my last dose of psychiatric medication and entered the next phase of healing.

So, in all, it took two months to get off the medication and to be stable enough to be trusted to be alone with my own child. I was not ‘all better’ very quickly. I still had a long way to go. But, if you had asked me how I was doing back in April of 1996, I would have told you I was so much better than I had been. (I didn’t know I could ever be as well as I am today!)

However, if I had come in expecting to get better quickly I would have been bitterly disappointed. Without any expectations for success, small  improvements and living without the medications seemed miraculous.

Slowly, like a sunrise, stable moods, concentration and patience distilled on me. I became predictable and happy.

Sometimes I was sad and I begged my husband and my father to let me go back to the hospital because, without medication, remembering and feeling were really painful for me. I’m so glad they understood that I was healing and allowed me to work through painful things. They never gave up on me.

I got better.  Easy? Nope. Fast? Hardly. Worth any effort? You’d better believe it!

Time passes either way, so why not pass it with a goal in mind? Why not find yourself next year, better than you were this year?

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Take a minute to  look at the DSM-IV – the manual that your physician used to determine the criteria for your diagnosis. Psychiatric diagnoses are complicated things. That’s why many of our diagnoses have changed over the years.  Mine changed from depression to BipolarI, to BipolarI with rapid cycles, to a final and extra comforting label of BipolarI with rapid cycles and schizophrenic tendencies.

Did you know that I was so sick – even while diligently following my specialist’s order to use a five-drug cocktail – that I was no longer allowed to be alone with my toddler son? My husband and our families had to provide 24-hour-a-day babysitting services for me. They were sadly considering having me live in an institution. Instead, I recently celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary, and have the pleasure of raising my four healthy kids!

There is a pattern to healing.

First Stage Healing from bipolar symptoms is about responding to a chemistry crisis. 

1. You are devoted in the First Stage. You are taking the EMPowerplus micronutrient formulation so persistently that your friends think you’ve adopted a new religion.
2. You are charting everything! You are on your myTruehope account documenting every up and down, bowel trouble, diet, sleep, panic habits and all your feelings because you are working hard to understand where you have been; and you want to get your life back.
3. You are getting over addictions and becoming as stable as possible because you know you will need crystal clear thoughts for the Second Stage of healing from bipolar.

Second Stage Healing from bipolar symptoms is about resolving leftover symptoms. Most people entering Second Stage, around the third month of recovery, mention panic or anxiety as the most bothersome symptom they have. Did you know that panic and anxiety symptoms are NOT associated with a bipolar diagnosis? Check the DSM-IV summary here.  So why do so many people experience panic and anxiety after they get through the First Stage?

There are two sources of Second Stage anxiety.

1. Chemical Anxiety :  Chemical anxiety is associated with protracted  or long-term withdrawal from the medications you were once taking. The fact is, getting medications that are stored in your fat and lean muscle mass out of you for good, can take a long time. When bits of chemicals re-enter your bloodstream, they can affect you in numerous ways, including physical anxiety, sleeplessness and agitation. Protracted Withdrawal (also known as post withdrawal when you stop taking benzodiazepine meds,or discontinuation syndrome when you stop using an SSRI antidepressant,) is a scientifically proven after effect of having used psychiatric medications. Some relief has been found for those determined to go drug-free in the great adjunct treatments (like Inositol or Phosphatidyl Choline). Others, under the direction of a doctor, have remained on very small doses of the drug to avoid going through full withdrawal, but a recent evaluation of wellness has shown that people remaining on even small amounts of medication do not enjoy the same mental clarity that other EMPowerplus users report.
2. Real Life Anxiety: Most of us who suffer with panic have had pretty good reasons to feel the way we do. Here are six circumstances that used to cause panic in me. (When I feel panic I feel numb in my arms and face, I get a flu-like feeling over my body and my heart races and skips.)

• Driving by a hospital
• Walking into a hospital
• Standing in a hospital
• Sitting in a hospital
• Talking to a doctor in a white coat
• Asking to use a bathroom in a hospital

Decide to be aware and discover:

• Which of your anxious moments are rooted in reality and which are likely chemical because you just discontinued an SSRI or a benzodiazepine? 
• Do you need an adjunct supplement like Inositol or the Truehope Staffer’s favorite, Phosphatidyl Choline to help you calm the physical effects of anxiety while you wait out the withdrawal or  work out your new reality?
• Remember, you can’t treat a chemical imbalance with counseling, but if , after the chemistry is no longer an issue, you discover that the root of the anxiety is a habit of panic formed around real memories or trauma; you can short circuit the symptom with acknowledgement, logic, and understanding. (Learn more about my favorite methods on the post called Defining Second Stage Healing.)

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image: jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Plenty of people ask me, “What are the symptoms of bipolar and are you really 100% free of those symptoms?” After checking out this information from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, 1994 (American Psychiatric Association, 1400 K Street NW, Suite 1101, Washington, DC 20005-2403 USA), I can happily say that I am, 100% not bipolar anymore and have been well and drug free for 15 years.  For many years before I started using the

Enjoy discovering the criteria for a true Bipolar Diagnosis…

Bipolar I Disorder–Diagnostic Features (DSM-IV, p. 350)

The essential feature of Bipolar I Disorder is a clinical course that is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Manic Episodes or Mixed Episodes. Often individuals have also had one or more Major Depressive Episodes. Episodes of Substance-Induced Mood Disorder (due to the direct effects of a medication, or other somatic treatments for depression, a drug of abuse, or toxin exposure) or of Mood Disorder Due to a General Medical Condition do not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder. In addition, the episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. . . .

Bipolar II Disorder–Diagnostic Features (DSM-IV, p. 359)

The essential feature of Bipolar II Disorder is a clinical course that is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode. Hypomanic Episodes should not be confused with the several days of euthymia that may follow remission of a Major Depressive Episode. Episodes of Substance- Induced Mood Disorder (due to the direct effects of a medication, or other somatic treatments for depression, a drug of abuse, or toxin exposure) or of Mood Disorder Due to a General Medical Condition do not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder. In addition, the episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. . . .

Criteria for Major Depressive Episode (DSM-IV, p. 327)

A.Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g. appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
4. insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
5. psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
9. recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

Criteria for Manic Episode (DSM-IV, p. 332)

A. A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).

B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:

1. inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2. decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3. more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4. flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5. distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
6. increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7. excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

D. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features.

E. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatments) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

Note: Manic-like episodes that are clearly caused by somatic antidepressant treatment (e.g., medication, electroconvulsive therapy, light therapy) should not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder.

Criteria for Mixed Episode (DSM-IV, p. 335)

A. The criteria are met both for a Manic Episode and for a Major Depressive Episode (except for duration) nearly every day during at least a 1-week period.

B. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features.

C. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

Criteria for Hypomanic Episode (DSM-IV, p. 338)

A. A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.

B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:

1. inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2. decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3. more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4. flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5. distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
6. increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7. excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C. The episode is associated with an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic of the person when not symptomatic.

D. The disturbance in mood and the change in functioning are observable by others.

E. The episode is not severe enough to cause marked impairment in social or occupational functioning, or to necessitate hospitalization, and there are no psychotic features.

F. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

Note: Hypomanic-like episodes that are clearly caused by somatic antidepressant treatment (e.g., medication, electroconvulsive therapy, light therapy) should not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.

This morning, I woke a little later than planned, dressed, grabbed a banana, a swallow of coconut milk, and a dose of the EMPowerplus micronutrient formulation, then ran out the door with Dana and our preteen daughter Samantha. We arrived at the gym just on time to cheer her on in her very first volleyball tournament. The team won two games and I lost my voice!

Then, back at it. A grocery run, a great laugh with my husband, a drive home, loads of laundry, cluttered kitchen cupboards (because young Melanie is a chef when I’m away), and back to the laundry again. All the while bombarded with chatty girlies and non-stop stories about every detail of their lives. I love the stories. I despise the panic that follows the stories.

I hate that I panic about being loved and needed. But I do. 

By 2:30 I was numb in the forearms and my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I felt my energy dropping and a flu-like feeling creeping over me.

I don’t fight it anymore. I know exactly what to do with this kind of panic.

I tell my girls I need a short ‘reset’ and go to my room. I’ve taught them about this method. They know not to come knocking until my alarm goes off. I breathe, lay on my bed and set a timer for 23 minutes. On my way into sleep I review the panic, the circumstances and the original source of the panic. 

• What happened in my life to make me feel uncomfortable when I am intensely happy, vulnerable, or needed?
• What am I afraid of?
• Does this fear make sense now?

That short analysis and acknowledgement accounts for the first 3 minutes of my reset, and I sleep  for the next 20, letting my mind sort and refile the trigger. When I wake, I usually feel a whole lot better. Usually… rarely, it might take two reset cycles to  squash the panic and get me back into the family. This  mid-day “nap” might seem self-indulgent, but it’s not. No guilt is needed when you find a healthy method of reset that prevents blow-ups, break-downs, or check-outs.

Back to the laundry, a happy cleaning party in the girl’s bedrooms, then a taco party in the kitchen; all six of us laughing and chopping and cooking. We built big taco salads and sat around the table with more stories and giggles and making big plans for the future. After dinner, a group clean up, a massive clean laundry haul to the upstairs, and a big sigh in front of a fun movie ended the evening.

I love my life, and all of the people in it. I used to be confused by feelings of panic in happy situations. Now, I’ve come to accept that some of the most average “mommy moments” are the biggest triggers for me. Learning to dissect panic and finding simple routines to diffuse it has been a life-saver and has allowed me to move forward and let go of my past pains. Self-awareness and  the employment of good coping strategies are the key to my second stage healing.

You can use all sorts of methods to identify your triggers and find a diffuser. Check out my other posts for hints and tips in finding the methods that might work for you. Second Stage Healing is worth the effort and will increase your capacity to feel joy and live your life authentically!

Go find your diffuser.

If you are new to this type of skill, you can develop your self-assessment ability by reading books like those listed in my post about Second Stage healing.

Image: Carlos Porto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Just before I turned off my phone, a dear friend, sitting in a diner all the way across the continent  texted me with a message:

“Dr. Phil on TV in diner ‘You have no accountability for what happened to you as a child. But you have every accountability for what you do about it as an adult.’ good quote!”

Now I’m not saying God speaks through Dr.Phil, but today He certainly may have.

I sat in my quiet place with that thought about accountability and change and personal potential for several hours. And I came to the conclusion that today’s blog would be about gratitude.

I will be forever grateful for the miracle of discovery that saved me from a life of certain bipolar hell. In 1996, I was so sick that I couldn’t be held accountable for anything. Tossed by the winds of terrible chemistry, diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 1 with schizophrenic tendencies, I had little control over my behavior, and no control over my feelings.Then my father brought a real-life miracle into my world and in a matter of months I was medication free and stable enough to see what was real.

Do you like your reality? I didn’t like reality. What I woke up to was a sad self, wrapped in a painful history of trauma and sorrow. I struggled with survivor’s guilt and self-hatred and wondered if I could ever be whole. Would I ever feel joy? Will you? Yes.

Forgiveness is a miracle that heals even the gravel-crushed soul. You’ll find joy when you find forgiveness.

You can forgive the past and every perpetrator in it.

You can forgive yourself for times when you became the enemy you dreaded most.

You can develop compassion for all the characters involved, including yourself.

You can take accountability for who you will be today, in spite of where you have been or what has been done to you.

You are within reach of hope and help. Your past is yours to dismiss. Take it in stages.

Stage One: Take care of the chemistry.

Stage Two: In the new clarity that comes with drug-free mood stability take care of the ‘Leftovers’. 

Then, be grateful for the journey that brought you to this place of compassion and acceptance and understanding.

You are a part of a miracle that is being repeated over and over, the whole world over by people just like you and I. You can do this. I know it.

Find Forgiveness.

When I was bipolar, my frequent manias started with an art project and inevitably ended with miserable hallucinations. It didn’t matter what the art project was, but most included paint and a belt sander! My moods changed so often that most projects went unfinished. On psych meds intended to control my mania, I was depersonalized, slow, and I felt emotionally and mentally shut down. When the meds periodically ‘stopped working’ I was tossed into swings, forced by mania, compelled to go and go and never stop until I crashed into deep depression. Sometimes the depression didn’t come soon enough and I would wind up into paranoid hallucinations and have to end the cycle with heavy sedation or hospitalization.

I started using the EMPowerplus micronutrient formulation 15 years ago. My cycling moods flattened out. It took me 2 months to transition completely from a five-drug cocktail and then the healing began.

For the first year in transition, (the First Stage of healing,) I felt amazing in so many ways, but I wondered if I’d ever be creative again. It was like I had a bad case of an artist’s ‘writer’s block’. The block didn’t last though, and as I started to learn how to be creative in spite of feeling self-controlled, I found myself capable of taking on and finishing bigger and better projects than ever before. Where once, in mania, I wrote feverishly and without direction, now I was able to write an auto-biography, finish it, work with editors and get it published by HarperCollins!

With controlled creativity I am at my very best. I think things through, plan my projects (sometimes for weeks), and I finish them. I live in a home that I treat as a living art project. I’ve designed draperies and painted in oils and acrylics, mounted wood sculpture on feature walls and refinished and reupholstered large pieces of furniture, all within reasonable boundaries and never as an all-night project.

I did not lose my creativity when I resolved the bipolar with the micronutrient formulation. I harnessed it. 

In the first few months of transition it can be tough for many of us to find creative balance. Coming down from medications or no longer experiencing creative mania can be painful for a little while. Trust the process, give yourself time. You can do this.  Fifteen years from now, you can write and tell me all about your journey and how you harnessed bipolar and lived side-effect free and built a great life for yourself using your own version of controlled creativity!

Go find your balance.

Image: winnond / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What good can come of a suicide? None. Even so, I wrote this article in honor of my mother and all of the good we have tried to create in the wake of her terrible death.

Did you know Debbie? She was a dedicated mother and a loving wife. She was the kind who sang her heart out in the kitchen, worked in group homes for lost and lonely teens, volunteered in schools, and every once in a while, started up a little business in woodworking, real estate, or donut baking. Debbie was creative and energetic, despondent and dark.

Debbie, my mother, said her bipolar illness began when I was born. When I married, she called me 5 times a day to see how I was doing. When I gave birth to her first grandson, she drove 6 hours to hold him and shower him with a wardrobe, a crib full of stuffed characters, and a basket of little shoes.

She died a year later in a well-planned fury of internal anguish that only the severely lost can comprehend.

It didn’t take long before I became my own version of Debbie. I took the meds she didn’t take and stayed in the hospital she managed to avoid, but I fared no better. Many times, I felt the anguish that led her to her death.

Then came the discovery that changed my life, my brother Joseph’s life, and your life.

The micronutrient formulation was born out of a lot of prayer and a cobbled-together hunch that people are a lot like pigs and that certain minerals, fed to swine in specific ratios along with the appropriate vitamins, could change mood and balance brain chemistry.

I got better, and a couple of years later, in 1998, I sat in a hotel room with three brilliant men where we devised a mission for our fledgling company called The Synergy Group of Canada, whose work and mission is now encompassed in Truehope.

We were determined to:

1. Challenge pharma and the Canadian government for wrongs done to  the mentally ill through questionable psychiatric treatments and practices. (My mom’s most recent prescription drug before her death is now known to increase suicidal ideation in many patients who use it. Why would you give a suicide promoting medication to one who is already suicidal? Check the known side effects of the medications you are taking, and wonder if they are really good for you.)
2. Get as much research as possible completed in order to prove the discovery of the micronutrient formulation was correct and a real answer for bipolar. (Since our initial meeting, there have been 16 publishings in reputable medical journals showing using the micronutrient formulation provides an effect that far outreaches any drug on the market today.)
3. Provide unique care for the severely mentally ill who could not care for themselves well enough to make a safe transition from drugs to health. (Over fifteen years, a protocol has been developed and refined that allows people like you and me to safely reduce and eliminate medications and transition to the micronutrient formulation as the standard treatment for the symptoms of bipolar. Doctors have access to support and education via the Truehope Program, and training conferences like “Micronutrients for Mental Health” held last fall in New York City.)
4. Tell the Story. I tell it every day and now you can share it through my book, “A Promise of Hope” (HarperCollins2007), blogs like Joseph’s I’m Still Here (josephstillhere.blogspot.com) and my Leftovers, a blog about second stage healing (at autumnstringam.com) and through our Common Ground Newsletter. We share the story of our loss and the good that has been given to us to honor our mom and with the hope somehow our sharing will save your life, or the life of someone you love dearly.

January 30, 2012 marks the 18th anniversary of Debbie’s untimely death. The pain has never left us, but it fires within all of us at Truehope the desire to change the way the world sees bipolar and other similar disorders.

On a desperate day in 1995, I was inspired to find hope that God would trade my pain for something good someday. Isaiah 64 saved my life when I read that He would bring beauty for ashes. Years later, after the birth of my second baby girl, I wrote a poem for my mother. A tiny excerpt from that poem is engraved on the back of her grave stone.

His promise He keeps

He comes with winds of redress

Cool and easy

Ashes scatter in His presence

He lifts

We rise to glorify Him

He brings the promised gift

And we are free

Beauty for Ashes

There is no good in a suicide. But it is my family’s hope this season that you have found some beauty in our ashes.

With hope for your healthy future,

Autumn