Without Medication, I Didn’t Like Reality

Today I ran away with my son. James’ job fell through for the day and my schedule was fantastically flexible, so we jumped in the car and left town. It’s a two-and-a-half hour drive to our favorite quiet spot, away from the everyday, and out of reach of our cell phones. We go there every chance we get–to dream and pray and consider our place in the world.

Just before I turned off my phone, a dear friend, sitting in a diner all the way across the continent  texted me with a message:

“Dr. Phil on TV in diner ‘You have no accountability for what happened to you as a child. But you have every accountability for what you do about it as an adult.’ good quote!”

Now I’m not saying God speaks through Dr.Phil, but today He certainly may have.

I sat in my quiet place with that thought about accountability and change and personal potential for several hours. And I came to the conclusion that today’s blog would be about gratitude.

I will be forever grateful for the miracle of discovery that saved me from a life of certain bipolar hell. In 1996, I was so sick that I couldn’t be held accountable for anything. Tossed by the winds of terrible chemistry, diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 1 with schizophrenic tendencies, I had little control over my behavior, and no control over my feelings.Then my father brought a real-life miracle into my world and in a matter of months I was medication free and stable enough to see what was real.

Do you like your reality? I didn’t like reality. What I woke up to was a sad self, wrapped in a painful history of trauma and sorrow. I struggled with survivor’s guilt and self-hatred and wondered if I could ever be whole. Would I ever feel joy? Will you? Yes.

Forgiveness is a miracle that heals even the gravel-crushed soul. You’ll find joy when you find forgiveness.

You can forgive the past and every perpetrator in it.

You can forgive yourself for times when you became the enemy you dreaded most.

You can develop compassion for all the characters involved, including yourself.

You can take accountability for who you will be today, in spite of where you have been or what has been done to you.

 

You are within reach of hope and help. Your past is yours to dismiss. Take it in stages.

Stage One: Take care of the chemistry.

Stage Two: In the new clarity that comes with drug-free mood stability take care of the ‘Leftovers’. 

Then, be grateful for the journey that brought you to this place of compassion and acceptance and understanding.

You are a part of a miracle that is being repeated over and over, the whole world over by people just like you and I. You can do this. I know it.

Find Forgiveness.